hello.
it has been pretty crazy down here. i guess i am in the dip again and emotions are kinda topsy turvy. i hope i am not alone when i say i am feeling a little lost, a little lonely. i am sure it is normal... right?! hahah i guess you readers might have figured that out from the few previous 'weird imagery posts.' haha well, strange pictures of could-have-beens have been surging in my head. have been day dreaming a lot, i am easily distracted at work and very frequently hoping i am somewhere else.

someone once told me that this is very normal for 20 somethings to feel like this. i called it the 'wandering stage.' i guess i am feeling the reality slipping close to my life. there have been great sundays but i guess everyone is guilty of being greedy. we want all we can have out of this thing we call life don't we?

so there's this huge fretting about money, about studying, about moving out, about going to UK or australia or japan. and there is this big big question in my mind of the future. turning 23 is no joke! i am scared of the 2-5... which is only years away.

where will i go? what will i do? when will it all stop? will i settle down? how many kids? pretty wife? vietnamese wife? alfresco wedding? no wedding? christian wedding? jiak toh? salary? ah.. the list goes on. i think all these comes naturally. i have a gift of worrying.

two friends are leaving me by the end of this month, one of them i hold really close to my heart. well, at least they are pursing their dream and passion (which makes me very proud) bittercake thoughts always ask if i am doing the same thing...

i think, for me, i enter into dips and surges a lot. one sunday Lily told us that it is normal to feel the valleys, because we practically live in valleys! i envisioned myself as a rancid old chinese man with a strawhat trying to make a living out of growing caixing by the river stream. the camera pans to my face and i give a smile. the type, "valleys are normal!" fades in... and fades out. cameras off, and i frown. and spit out that black thing all cowboys spit out in a spittoon.

i have quite a couple of things to remind myself to make me feel better. but right now i think its making the choice to refocus oneself. its a struggle sometimes cause my greediness creeps in. i always worry that i am not doing enough about my time here on this world. i always wish i can do more. i wish i can be something...

but i got an answer for that already. haha God always outsmarts me.
i saw this yesterday while i was having dinner:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
- Jeremiah 29:11